A weight is lifted every night at Becky Vieria’s house – one that’s adorably sticky, full of energy and exactly 25.6 pounds. Vieria just spent the day being touched non-stop: “[I can add] jungle gym, human Kleenex, and step stool to the list of roles my body fills on a daily basis,” she says. “My hair gets pulled. My arms and legs are grabbed and tugged. Sometimes I get bitten. Once her sweet toddler son is finally asleep, the last thing on her mind is cuddling up with her husband for some alone time and intimacy.
If you’re the parent of a newborn or toddler (or both!), you understand exactly what she’s going through. Viera is feeling touched out. It’s very normal for new parents, and particularly breastfeeding mothers, to feel touched out, as well as frustrated and exhausted, after a busy day of wrangling little kids. And there’s also some guilt that accompanies this feeling when you put off your partner’s attempts at more touching. “Some nights I can’t bring myself to share this time with my husband,” admits Vieria.
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“As much as we love our kids, their constant touch is not always pleasant,” explains Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based psychologist, author, and podcast host. “They can be heavy and hot, they poke us with elbows or feet or fingers – and even follow us to the bathroom.”
Fortunately, the touched out phase is often temporary and tends to ease up after weaning your baby, and as kids become more independent. Until then, here’s more about this feeling and tips for handling it.
What it means to feel touched out
Being touched out is just that – it’s sensory overload and that feeling like you just can’t face any more snuggles or hugs from anyone, including your kids and partner. “Add in general parental exhaustion, and it’s no wonder that so many parents feel like the last thing they want at the end of the day is more physical contact,” explains Kennedy-Moore. “But this can leave a partner feeling rejected.”
How to navigate feeling touched out
The first step is recognizing that you’re having this intense aversion to touch and then it’s critical to communicate that, says Kennedy-Moore, so your partner knows what you’re feeling and why. “But you also need to acknowledge his or her perspective and try to work together to come up with solutions that meet both of your needs.” Here’s her savvy advice:
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Find time for you. It’s important to set your own limits and boundaries, and to step away when you need to. Self-care is critical when you become a parent, so do all you can to carve out a few moments for a yoga class, to read quietly, nap, or to take a walk.
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Get more Zzz’s. “Exhaustion is a libido killer,” says Kennedy-Moore. Strive to tuck in at a reasonable hour most nights and nap when your baby does, if at all possible.
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Address body image. “I don’t feel attractive – I’m dressed for comfort and function in a shirt that’s been pulled and stretched by tiny hands,” says Vieria. Many moms feel self-conscious about their post-baby bodies, says Kennedy Moore. The fix? “Think about what you enjoy about your partner’s body and then ask what he or she appreciates about yours. It’s likely that your partner is far less critical than you are,” she says.
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Make a smart transition. “It’s hard to shift instantly from “All baby” to “Oh, baby!” Try a transition activity like a workout or a warm bath to help you make that shift.
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Talk about turn-ons. “Discuss what puts you in the mood with your partner, particularly the kind of touch that’s the best starting point,” counsels Kennedy-Moore.
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Plan the fun. “As an established couple, it’s easy to fall into “lazy” sex, but our most important sex organ is our brain,” she says. By putting some extra effort into planning sexy encounters, it can pay off in increased enjoyment, she adds.
Remember that the “touched out” phase of life will let up as your child becomes more self-sufficient. In the meantime though, it’s okay if at the end of the day, you don’t want to be touched by anyone for most of the evening – or at all. Lean in to how you’re feeling, have a conversation with your significant other about your feelings, and abstain from cuddle time if that feels more comfortable in the moment.
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