Is your toddler constantly saying, “I do it myself”? While it can test your patience, this stage is key for building confidence and independence. Learn practical tips to survive—and thrive—through your toddler’s growing need for autonomy, all while keeping your sanity. When your toddler wants to do everything herself, it can be really frustrating and will try your patience. Find out how to survive it gracefully.
“I do it myself!”
Recognize that phrase?
If yes, you must now have or previously had a two year old living in your home.
When Brayden hit this phase, I admit I was impatient with it.
I didn’t want to be slowed down, and most of the time it really made life with a newborn (Kaitlyn) a lot more difficult. Trying to help Brayden do something while she was crying and him insisting on doing it himself stressed me a bit.
When McKenna (my third child) wanted to “do it,” I had no problem with it. I don’t know if I was older, wiser, and/or just less stressed because I didn’t have a newborn. And you know what? She quickly got to the point where 95% of the time she does it and does it pretty quickly.
I was reading through The Parenting Breakthrough
“If you are so determined, you can indeed keep a child happy for eighteen years. In the process, you will surely destroy the child’s self-esteem. Why? Because self-esteem is reflected in the child’s belief that ‘I can do it myself!’ ”
John Rosemond
Encouraging our children to do it and standing back while they do so is a great way to not only help the child learn to do it herself (afterall, how will she learn if she doesn’t try?), but it will also help build her self-confidence.
Boyack also quotes Ann Landers:
“In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings” (page 17).
Ann Landers
Boyack also says, “Our children will get their best feelings of self-confidence from being independent and capable” (page 17).
Add in “Toddler Time”
I know. I know. Waiting for five minutes while your toddler climbs into the car “herself” and another five while she does her best to buckle “herself” in causes a bit of stress.
You have somewhere to be and your toddler slows you down significantly, from pants, to shoes, to walking, to buckling.
Here is a simple tip. You need to add “toddler time” to your time allotment for getting out of the house.
You thought adding a baby to your life made getting out slower, ha! Adding a toddler adds even more because of all of the things she must do herself.
What you need to do is factor in those things and add that time. You used to need to start getting shoes on 10 minutes before you walked out the door. Now you might need 20.
This is a moment to practice your patience.
I promise it pays off.
Letting her practice each and every time enables her to learn how to do it herself. Then when she is four, she will be doing all of those things herself instead of still needing your help.
Allowing your toddler to do it herself will help build her skills and her confidence. She will have confidence in her abilities in a rightful way. She will know her abilities and her limitations. She will have a realistic and positive self-concept, along with the will to try, try again until she gets it right.
Toddlers Need to Develop Autonomy
From this time forward, your child will become more and more independent until they someday move out and become completely independent. This is the natural progression of life. Kids should develop self-sufficiency.
Letting your 2-year-old do up that button or put that shirt on without your help is just a small step down that path.
Practice in Times of Non-Conflict
The moments when you re in a time crunch are moments when emotions will be high and your patience will be thin. Make sure you give yourself toddler time, but you also want to make sure you practice these skills at times when you are not in a hurry. There will be less frustration this way.
You can make a game out of some things. “Simon says” put your shoes on. Let your toddler put on their own pajamas at bedtime (again, adding enough time to your bedtime routine that you will not be stressed out).
Working on the things your toddler wants to be able to “do myself” when you have no time crunch will help your toddler have the space they need to develop the skill without tantrums, a meltdown, or poor behavior.
Take Turns
Another good idea for keeping things smooth is to “take turns” with tasks. For example, you might be stressed because your toddler wants to brush her own teeth. You are worried that those teeth will not be clean enough.
Just take turns with teeth brushing. You can have it where you both get to brush the teeth every time or you can have some times your toddler brushes and some times it is your turn.
Set Your Toddler Up for Success
Be mindful during this phase. Start out simple. If your toddler wants to dress himself every day, start by only having pants with an elastic waistband to simplify. This is faster than dealing with buttons. You could have your toddler wear slip-on shoes on mornings when you are in a hurry. Keep the outfits toddler-friendly.
Conclusion
Wanting to “do it myself” is a very normal part of toddler development and childhood. You want your toddler to want to become independent. Add in toddler time to your daily routine, practice when you have nothing else going on, take turns, and set your toddler up for success to make this process much smoother. Hang in there. Seeing your kiddo progress is so rewarding in the end!
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This post first appeared on this blog in August of 2011