As parents, we know it’s important to raise kids who are emotionally healthy, informed, and resilient. One way we can encourage this is through open communication, which can foster trust and build emotional intelligence. But what happens if we’re too open? Some research suggests that direct or overheard grown-up conversations — while appropriate in certain settings — can accidentally have a psychological or emotional impact on our children. Similarly, we also need to be careful about how we talk to our children directly. Let’s discuss some things you shouldn’t say in front of your child (and what you can say instead).
Our words carry a lot of significance, especially when we think about the impact on our children. They’re like little sponges, always listening and taking things in, even when we think they aren’t! The things we say — whether or not we intend our kids to hear and understand them — shape how they view themselves and the world around them.9 So, it’s important to be mindful of what you say around your child, as it can influence their development, self-esteem, confidence, and relationships with others.9
Here are key topics and statements that parents want to avoid (or approach with caution) when sharing and communicating with their kids:
1. Weight and Body Image
Body image is a sensitive thing, particularly for our little ones developing their sense of self. Even if they’re meant kindly, comments about weight can leave a lasting impact. This can happen whether it’s about your child, your own weight, or someone else’s. In fact, research on over 4,000 people found that when children were teased about their weight during their teen years, they were much more likely to struggle with poor body image and mental health well into adulthood.1 The research also indicated that it didn’t really matter where the teasing came from (siblings, parents, peers, etc.) — it still had the same long-term impact.
When children hear negative messages about their bodies (or others’), they can internalize these words. Statements like “I feel so fat today,” “You’re getting too big for your clothes,” or “Don’t eat so much; you’ll gain weight!” send the message that a person’s worth is linked with their appearance.6 As a result, your child may develop shame, low self-esteem, and poor mood, which can impact their health and self-worth as they grow up.2 They might even develop disordered ways of thinking about or consuming food.6
So, instead of focusing on a child’s appearance, you should encourage healthy habits, like regularly moving their bodies and eating a range of foods with a good nutritional balance. You can also highlight their body’s abilities, saying things like, “Wow, your arms are so strong — you can lift heavy things!”
Money is another topic that may (unintentionally) cause harm when discussed in front of children. While financial literacy is important, exposing children to financial stress and worries (especially when vague) can increase their stress, anxiety, and insecurity.4 Children can be sensitive to discussions about money troubles, and if they perceive that their family is experiencing financial hardship, it can actually increase their emotional and behavioral problems.
To promote well-being and financial literacy, it’s important to choose appropriate times and topics when talking about money. This way, your kids don’t feel burdened or frightened.4 Avoid statements like, “We can never afford anything,” or “There’s no money left,” as these can feel shameful or overwhelming for kids. Instead, try to teach them about budgeting, planning, and saving.
Some parents use bribes or threats to manage their child’s behavior. They might say things like, “If you don’t fold your clothes and pack them away, I’ll throw them out,” or “If you tidy your clothes, I’ll give you a treat.” These phrases might work . . . in the short term. But in the long term, your child is hearing the wrong message and isn’t becoming internally motivated to do the right thing.7
Threats make children fearful, and even when they comply, they don’t always understand why they need to do certain things. Bribes result in children expecting rewards for things they need to be responsible for, rather than them simply doing the correct or appropriate thing. Instead, try to provide natural consequences to help your child make the connection between their actions and the responses.7 For example, if they won’t share their toys with a sibling, you can say, “The rule is that if you don’t share the toys, you aren’t allowed to play with them,” to explain the consequence of not sharing.
4. Sexual Topics Handled Poorly
Although it might be an awkward topic for some parents and families, having open and transparent conversations about sexuality and sex is critical for children’s healthy development. However, your tone matters, and you’ll need to handle the conversation(s) in an age- and developmentally appropriate manner. Research tells us that oversharing, handling things clumsily, passing judgment, discussing topics (like pornography) too soon, avoiding issues, or abruptly shutting down our children can negatively impact their feelings of safety. It can also cause confusion or even shame about sex or sexuality.3
Instead, we need to respond to their questions or conversations about sex without moral judgment or shaming. This ensures that our children have correct information, which fosters body positivity and reduces confusion. Having early conversations or allowing curiosity and questions helps promote safety (including delaying risky sexual behaviors) and a healthy understanding of sex and sexuality.3
Yes, it’s normal to get frustrated with your child at times. But make sure to rein in your criticism, particularly if it’s harsh or prolonged. When we say things like, “You’re always so argumentative,” or “Why can’t you do anything right?” we make our children feel inadequate and “less than.” Our words directly influence how our children think about themselves and their sense of worth.8 They can eventually experience confirmation bias, which is when they start believing and living up to the expectations others have of them.
Instead of harsh criticism, try to use positive reinforcement and appreciate their efforts rather than the outcome. For instance, you might say, “I can see you’re struggling. But I really appreciate how hard you’re trying. What do you think we could try next time instead?”
6. Arguments and Parental Conflict
Finally, when considering what not to say in front of your child, one of the most important things to avoid is arguing with others (especially your partner) in front of them. Our children can be quite sensitive to conflict, even if they aren’t directly involved. It’s particularly challenging if they overhear arguments because they often lack context, and there aren’t opportunities to reassure them. If there’s a parental argument, it can be very distressing, create anxiety, and make them feel unsafe within their family unit.5,10 Over time, they’ll also learn that arguing is how to handle conflict within their relationships.10 So, while it’s important to help kids see how to resolve conflict in healthy ways, we must also draw the line and self-censor specific topics or issues that children don’t yet have the tools to process.5
If your child does witness an argument or tension between you and your partner, it’s important to address things calmly and openly. Explain that disagreements are normal and that they aren’t to blame for the argument. Keep things simple, and don’t overexplain or draw them into the topic of the argument. Also, assure them that the grown-ups are working on solving the trouble. These steps will reduce potential fear and confusion and help them feel secure during challenging times.5
Kids thrive when they feel safe and supported. And while it’s necessary to be open and honest, it’s equally important to be thoughtful about how and when we bring up sensitive or difficult topics. When you understand what kind of things not to say in front of your child, you can create a more positive relationship with them and enhance their self-esteem and emotional intelligence.
In addition, if we approach sensitive discussions carefully, we can create a safe space where kids feel comfortable asking questions and sharing their thoughts. Being mindful of timing, tone, and age-appropriate language is vital in ensuring that conversations are helpful, rather than overwhelming or potentially distressing. Striking this tricky balance can help us build trust and healthy communication. This will support our kids and the whole family.